The script first appeared on Black & White Army. Christie is Falkirk chairman Campbell Christie, the rest are members of the AWP cast.
Christie: Hello, Is that the SPL Chairman's meeting ? Campbell Christie here. Great news, great news - work on the new ground is about to start - why here comes the crack construction team as I speak.
Oz: Am tellin ye, Dennis - if this w*nker doesn't cum across wae the cash, ahm head-butting him and gang back tae Newcassell.
Dennis: Whatyouwannadothatfor ? It's a joab, man - working in Falkirk has got be better than grafting in Spain.
Oz: You takin the piss, like ? Don't feckin start me Dennis - or I'll sing "Crocodile Shoes" again.
Neville: Calm doon lads - it's awright fur yoose - ahm missin ma Brenda already. Ah don't know whit ah'll dae withoot her.
Dennis: Yull get a good looking woman in Falkirk - that's if the daytrippers havenae returned to Paisley. Quiet - here comes the boss.
Christie. Hello lads. We spoke on the phone. Wait a minute, I know you - the big detective on the Tv - You're Big Spender.
Moggsy: And you aint, ya divvy - judging by the wages you're payin.
Dennis: That's enough - hows it gang, Mr Christie ?
Christie: The gang's fine - we've just won the Championship. And that's why I've hired you - we need to build a 10,000 seater stadium - and fast.
Oz: Ten thoosand ? We get mair than that jist tae watch Alan Shearer making a McDonald's commercial.
Neville: Ah football - ye just cannea beat the Black and White.
Christie: So I keep getting told. Right, let's get to work - keep yourself busy.
Moggsy: Don't mention Bizzies - awright.
Christie: There's a lorry load of bricks and I'll see you later.
Dennis: And when can we expect the next delivery ?
Christie: Ho Ho - you are a joker. I'm afraid one lorry load of Bricks is all we can afford - but I'm sure you'll manage - at a stretch.
Dennis: The only thing gettin stretched aroon here is your body in a four-figure leg lock fae Big Pat - the ex wrestler.
Christie: Please don't say four figures again - it reminds me of Chris Waddell's wage bill. I'm sorry, lads - you'll just have to do your best. Oh - and keep an eye on those spirit levels.
Oz: That's feckin it, Dennis. Noo he's tellin us how many Nukey Broons we can drink !
Neville: Ah don't think he meant it that way, Oz. We need to calm down and think about what we're gang to do.
Oz: Ok man - I've thought about it and ahm gonnae kill him.
Dennis: I think I've found a solution to this problem. We could take all the usuable bits from Brockville and integrate them with the new bricks - making Westfield a stadium to be proud of. What do you think, Mr Christie ?
Christie: Excellent idea, Dennis. I suggest you and your squad start dismantling alll the best parts from Brockville immediately.
Oz: Noo Dennis, ahm nae expert, man - but how are we gannae build a stadium wae a catering van, a set of goalposts and four corner flags.
Dennis: Is that aw yees got fae Brockville - Jesus help us.
Christie: If you know him then maybe he could see his way to expanding our bricks the way he did with loaves and fishes ?
Dennis: And you think the almighty will help ?
Christie: Oh no - Stewart Gilmour washes his hands of us - but Jesus might help.
Oz: Relax, Mr Christie. Me and the lads will have your stadium built by the end of the week - no problem.
Christie: You will - oh great - I can't wait to see the looks on those buddies faces.
One week later......
Neville: You can open your eyes now, Mr Christie - one stadium as promised.
Christie: Yipeee - Hey - that's a Subuteo box.
Dennis: Aye - yer new stadium as promised ya tight miserable b*stard.
Oz: Auf Widersehn, Pr*ck .....